“No, I’m not alright” is not on the list of unpardonable sins.
As a teenager, one act I learned to perfect with so much expertise was hypocrisy. I was the quintessential ‘good girl’. If you have ever felt picked upon by anyone for being a terrible person and have been compared with a more ‘perfect’ prototype of a person. Chances are, I was that person you were compared with. The one, who got the good grades, never got in a fight or in any scandal with boys.
But all that was raggedy.
Deep inside, I was rotten and completely ridden in my heart with things that other people did openly and got judged for it; hate, pride, lust, envy. And oh, I would judge away too. I would join the wagging fingers and neglect the nagging voice that kept bringing up my own secret sins.
Then I met Christ.
I met the full force of His love and Truth. I saw my cold religion and rotten righteousness in the light of His love. And I was never the same.
And one of the beautiful lessons I learned after I met Christ was the sheer beauty of sincerity which in all sense is purity. I learned honesty with God and humans as I shed every load of sin that clung to me, raw honesty about things I didn’t even dare whisper to myself in the dark. I met people who opened room for me to bleed and challenged my every thought and motive. I learned to subject every single one of my intent and action to God’s holy light.
Prayer time was never the same.
The Word of God became like a double-edged sword indeed.
Step by step I began to boldly and humbly tell God and all who cared to listen that I wasn’t alright, that I needed grace in the worst ways and was too weak. Some would look at me, playfully laugh and say in disbelief “You ke?”. They saw me as that good girl. But still I kept saying it. “No, I’m not alright”. And oh did it hurt, I felt exposed as it tore me piece by piece but it healed me and opened the window for the fresh air of God’s grace.
But after a while, I felt myself slipping into the old habit.
I had become something in the eyes of the world and was struggling to meet up to their expectations. I had people looking up to me and others looking down at me but everyone seemed to be waiting, expecting something. Prayer became a performance and studying God’s word became about them and not me first. I was living a lie. I just knew I had become a living, breathing 21st century Pharisee (without the regalia of course. That would’ve been too obvious).
“When Jesus heard this, he told them, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.” – Matthew 2:17 (New Living Translation)
But thank God for God. He brought me back to my senses and is teaching me to be sincere again. I realize that what qualifies me for God’s grace is my weakness. That is my qualification and so like Apostle Paul, “I would boast in my weakness”. So that I can continue to hide behind imperfection and throw ‘I’m not perfect’ at everyone’s face? Noooo, but so that I can become like the perfect one whose grace can only be gained with sincerity and complete humility.
And so, I told you that little story so you would see that hiding your sores and wounds would only make them worse. Nobody goes to their doctor and tells them they are alright when they are really dying. No one lies to their physician about having a headache when what they really have is constipation. You can’t get healed that way. Help doesn’t come that way.
Straight up, what I’m saying is this; drop the lies, leave your fancy coverings at the foot of the cross, quit the pretence whatever it may cost you; even your pride. Let prayer be prayer and not a sugar-coated speech. Let the Word of God cut you till you bleed. Stop making the problem about ‘we’ or ‘them’; you are the one with the problem. And when someone cares enough to ask if you are alright, please don’t lie. Don’t put on that fake smile and nod. Just stop it.
Make it a habit to not be so hypocritical even in little things. With Jesus, a problem shared is not half solved.
It is solved. Full stop.
There is this song, ‘Healing Begins’, by Tenth Avenue North that puts it so beautifully.
This is where the healing begins,
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark
In other news, I recently saw the biggest rat I’ve ever seen in my life. Don’t ask me where -__-